


Maybe it's time to let go

by AlwaysMixingFantasyWithReality



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-20 06:37:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12427032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysMixingFantasyWithReality/pseuds/AlwaysMixingFantasyWithReality
Summary: In true Robert style he had gone after those who had hurt him and who he blamed for ruining his life. Now in the aftermath he can see how far he took things and has realised not only that he needs a better way of dealing with his problems and feelings but also how lonely he really is.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little idea I had about how Robert could act once the Whites had gone and he looks back on what has happened. Granted I started writing this before I knew how far Robert would actually go so I haven't actually gone into fully what he did do to the Whites here. It will be multi chapter but not sure how many at the moment but since we know Robert and Aaron will be getting back together at some point (sooner rather than later hopefully) it will have a happy ending.

The slight wind made Robert pull his jacket closer around him but the quietness of the village only pushed Robert on. There is a weird calmness that surrounds the cemetery; maybe it the absence of judgment which comes from the dead which gave him the confidence to talk so openly. The route to his mother’s grave is well practiced, especially over the past few weeks despite not being able to say much to her, but today is different. As he knelt down Robert felt the dampness of the ground seep through his trousers which only added to the uncomfortable nature of what he was going to do. 

“Hi Mum,” Robert lightly touched his hand to his mother’s grave stone as his emotions threatened to overcome him. 

“I just needed to talk. I don’t really have anyone else and I know that it’s my own fault but I just really need someone and I know you won’t judge me, well more like can’t judge me,” Robert let out a light laugh at this. The only person he feels like he can talk to is his mother who has been dead for over fifteen years. 

“I know Vic is here and Diane but they’re never going to hear the full story; they will interrupt and make accusations, which I can’t blame them for that but they don’t understand how hard I’ve found everything. They just think I’m making excuses or trying to shift the blame or try to make me look like more of the bad guy because I don’t care about the same things they do; it’s like the way I feel is irrelevant. I don’t want to make excuses anymore. Everything I’ve done and everything that has happened has been through my own doing, maybe spurned on by others but still it was my decision. I know why I do it, when people hurt me I feel this need to hurt then back, to punish them for it. I need to stop though mum, I take it too far and now there is no going back for me.”

Robert reached into his inside jacket pocket retrieving a letter and the small box. 

“This is for you. I didn’t want to forget anything so I wrote it all down. I just needed someone to know everything; no excuses or hiding, just how I feel. I just hope you can understand and not hate me, I can’t have you hate me as well.”

Robert looked down to the box in his hand, turning it over and smoothing his thumb across the top. 

“I need you to look after this mum. I need to be better but I can’t do that around here, around him.” Robert’s voice broke and he took a stuttered breath before continuing. 

“I know it’s selfish and I want nothing more than for him to be happy but I can’t stand around and watch him be happy with someone else; it’ll kill me mum. He has made it perfectly clear there is no going back for us and I can’t blame him for that after everything I’ve done so I need to accept that, for him, he deserves that.” Robert pauses as the weight of his decision set in. 

“He’s happy mum, and he looks so much better. I just need to leave him alone and let him get that perfect life that he deserves even though I know it’s going to be without me; it has to be without me. But I can’t get rid of these, they’re too special, but holding on to them is just a reminder of what I’ve lost and I’ve got enough memories I don’t need anything physical as well. I love him mum, I’ll never stop but being around him knowing we’re not together and never will be just hurts too much. So I’m going to go and leave him to be happy. Who knows maybe I could be happy away from here, maybe be in a new relationship. I can’t imagine being in love with someone as much as him, I don’t think it’s possible, but what else can I do.”

Trying and failing to contain a sob Robert places both the letter and the box in his lap before starting to dig a small hole in front of the stone. Taking out a small bag from his pocket Robert places both the letter and box inside then seals it. 

“I know it seems a bit stupid and they won’t be protected for long but it gives me a little more time, maybe even until I go. They’re yours now mum, I know they will be safe with you.”

After putting the bag into the hole and filling it in Robert stands, placing his hand on the cold stone. 

“Thank you mum, for everything, I love you” and with that Robert turned around and began his slow walk back to Keepers Cottage. 

What Robert didn’t realise was the shadow watching him in the bushes.


	2. Chapter Two

He doesn’t run to torture himself anymore and tries not to push himself too far but it can still help to clear his head. Running up the hill towards the top of the village Aaron is almost home. A weird noise comes from his left causing him to slow down. A wave of confusion passes over him as he approaches the cemetery and sees a hunched figure kneeling in front of a grave. Trying to remain quiet so as not to startle the person Aaron walks up along the hedge but stops when he recognises the blond head before him.

“They’re yours now mum, I know they will be safe with you.”

_What is he on about, what are hers?_ Aaron thinks as he watches Robert before the grave stone trying to work out what he is doing.

Aaron moves back a little more toward to bush as Robert makes to stand up.

“Thank you mum, for everything, I love you.”

Aaron waits until Robert is out of the cemetery before moving from his hiding spot. Initially torn between turning and going home or going to see what Robert has put before his mother’s grave, Aaron eventually gives in to curiosity and moves forward. As he walks up he can’t see anything in front of the grave but when he is stood up close Aaron notices a disrupted patch of dirt close to the stone.

“What were you doing Robert” Aaron whispers as he crouches down towards the ground. Aaron looks towards where Robert walked off to check he hadn’t returned before digging through to loose patch of dirt, not caring about the mud now caking his hand. He sees what looks like the corner of a bag and pulls it out of the ground. He first sees a letter in the plastic bag with “Mum” written on the front and faults a little when he turns the bag over and instantly recognises the red box. Looking up back towards the village Aaron decides that instead of returning the letter and box to the hole he fills it back in and returns home.

Once home Aaron places the bag on the kitchen table and goes to wash his hands free of mud. Pacing the kitchen second guessing his decision to keep the bag, Aaron eventually gives in and takes out the box to confirm his suspicions. Holding the box in both hands Aaron pushed the lid up and a quiet sob escapes when Aaron sees not only his wedding ring but Robert’s as well; he never thought Robert would take his ring off. Aaron can’t help taking his ring out the box and holding it in front of him. He barely notices the tears coming down his face as he remembers the last time he saw his ring as he gave it back to Robert and the look of total devastation on his face as he did so.

Aaron looks down towards the other ring in the box and strokes across it, his own ring now clenched in his hand. A sense of finality passes over him, something Aaron is not at all comfortable with.  Wanting to get away from his feelings he puts both of the rings away and looks towards the letter still in the bag. He shouldn’t read it, he knows that but he can’t understand what’s going on; why did Robert bury their wedding rings?

Aaron ripped through the envelope not caring that he wouldn’t be able to put it back the way he found it too concerned about what it contained.  Taking the letter out Aaron holds his breath while he opens it noticing Roberts familiar hand writing.

_Mum,_

_Dad was right; I do ruin everything I touch. Turns out I can’t help it, I wish I could though. I thought Aaron would be different; I thought if I loved him enough then everything would be okay, that I would be okay because I just wanted to be better for him and to make him proud of me. I couldn’t even do that right._

_I though Rebecca could be a friend. At first she was just a tool to try and get Andy back, do right by him for once. I knew what she wanted of me and I used that to my advantage and didn’t think of how it would affect anybody else. Trying to break Lachlan out of prison was the final straw though, it was too far and I couldn’t risk Aaron just to try and keep her onside. He stopped me from going through with it mum; he rang me while I was in the prison when I was so close to getting him out but one look at his face on my phone and I couldn’t do it. I knew he would be disappointed in me so I had to get out of there. I told Rebecca after that, that we never were or never would be anything and that I just used her because I knew how she felt. I told Aaron about it when I got home, I couldn’t lie to him. I didn’t tell him about the kiss or the blackmail, I didn’t want to hurt him. I was trying to be better but I should have just told him everything, would have saved at lot since she decided to exaggerate what happened and announce it to the whole pub._

_It should have ended there with me and Rebecca, I should have seen how she affected Aaron and respected that but I didn’t. I just thought she could be a friend, I thought I had hurt her enough that there would be no more romantic interest on her end because I knew there was definitely none on mine. I enjoyed the work she brought my way, negotiating business deals is what I’m good at and I kind of thrive off it. Aaron said he was fine with everything now and with her, I thought he believed me when I told him I loved him and I just wanted him but I should have seen it. I started hiding it from Aaron, I knew he would think that I was trying to get back in at Home Farm and that life I had when I came back to the village. I didn’t but I wanted the money, he has told me that money is all I care about. There is some truth in it, I wanted to be able to provide for us, give us the nice life where we could afford the house and not have to use Gordon’s money, where I could get him anything he wanted and properly provide a future for Liv where money was never an issue. I didn’t want that for us; to worry about the future or have money struggles. I know I let him down, I was too focused on what was going to happen in the future I wasn’t paying attention to the present and how everything was being perceived. I just thought everybody knew that I wanted Aaron and when we were making plans for the future that was me confirming that this is what I wanted; I should have done more._

_I was so scared when he was arrested, I didn’t want him to go away and leave me. I didn’t know what to do so I convinced myself that everything was going to be alright and that it was all going to work out for us. As it got closer to the hearing, it got worse. Aaron was convinced that he was going away and that I wouldn’t be there when he got out; that I wouldn't wait for him. I needed to prove to him that this was our future: me, him and Liv. That we were going to be our own little family, that we were final. I wish you could have been there mum at our wedding. I knew not everyone thought I was worthy of Aaron, probably everyone deep down, but I wanted to prove them wrong. As with all my plans it failed spectacularly. Turns out though it was a blessing because it was perfect in the end; even if it was in a dirty garage, we never have done anything normally. Just the two of us, messed up forever we said and I thought I was it, I was going to better and be the person he deserved, be the best husband I could be because he already was to me._

_He went away though, they threw the book at him and it was so unfair, he didn’t deserve any of it. It broke me mum. I just wanted to be strong for him, get him out as soon as I could, make sure the mill was ready and look after Liv; I couldn’t even do that right. There kept being hold ups with the appeal, people vandalised the mill and Liv got expelled from school and I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t do anything without him, not even sleep. I tried not to let anybody know what was going on, I didn’t want someone to tell Aaron and him be disappointed in me. He was the one in prison; I was supposed to have it easy on the outside. He was in prison though so I shouldn’t even have been able to hurt him while he was in there; still managed it though didn’t I. I couldn’t keep myself in check, I was so desperate to see him that I ruined everything and the worst sort of people found out about him, about us and he couldn’t tell me about it. I never though Aaron would turn to drugs, not after what had happened to Holly but he did because it got so bad in there and he couldn’t cope. Liv kept it a secret from me; she didn’t want to add to my stress. I should have made sure that she knew she could talk to me about anything; she shouldn’t have to keep something like that to herself. So what do I do but make it worse._

_I confront him and he lies about it and when I call him out on it he gets angry and said stuff I shouldn’t have believed but I did and what he said, it really hurt. I knew I was failing him but to have him confirm it, even if he was off his face, it felt real like I really wasn’t any use to him and that he doesn’t care about anything. I shouldn’t have believed him but me being me always thinks the worst of people and take what they say as a given. I was angry and I got drunk, really drunk mum and smashed up our home. I texted Rebecca, I don’t remember doing it but one minute I’m on my own and the next she is there. She was my friend and I needed a friend then, in my drunken haze I thought my marriage was over. I was hurt, angry and drunk, I couldn’t see a point in anything. She called me out on being drunk but I saw my chance, to hurt Aaron the way he had hurt me. I wanted to destroy my marriage and give up on love. I knew what to say to get what I want I always have done._

_Next thing I know it's morning and I’m alone in bed, my clothes a pile on the floor; it didn’t matter that I couldn’t  remember what had happened I knew what I had done and I couldn’t take it back. Chas was so angry when I told her; I can’t blame her as I had let her down too. I was going to tell him, Chas didn’t want me anywhere near him but, I had destroyed everything so he needed to hear it from me. She stopped me, Chas did, he was completely broken and she didn’t want me to add to it; difference is when he apologised he could take back everything he had done and I couldn’t._

_I got him out early and being back with him just felt so right I can’t even describe it. He told me what happened inside and I felt sick. Not at him, never at him but I knew I would need to spend the rest of my life trying to prove that I could be worthy of him. I found out Rebecca was pregnant though and she said it was mine. I felt like everything was being ripped away from me, she blamed me for everything. Nobody ever said it but she knew what she was doing, she knew how hard I was finding everything, how I could manipulate her; she could see the state I was in, she even acknowledged it to me that night and she should have known better and left me alone or gone and got Vic. She got everything she wanted while I could feel mine slipping away. I didn’t want anything to do with it, I wanted her to get rid of it. I was mean to her about it but she was acting like it was the best thing to happen. She told me she would and I thought that would be the end of it. I needed to get away from the village after that, so I took Aaron out to see Liv and Chas. If we got away I could pretend that it never happened and be together again._

_Coming back to the village made it real again. I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen, especially as we were moving into our home. I was lying to him and I was struggling with it. I told him everything, every gory detail. He walked out after that and I was scared of what he would do. He came back eventually; told me he wanted to forgive me. Looking back I wish he had ended it that night because it gave me hope that we could be together and everything would be okay; he probably wouldn’t have started hurting himself again. Turned out Rebecca was still pregnant and I felt everything crumble again. Aaron said he would still stick by me but I didn’t want anything to do with the baby I just wanted Aaron. Not that anybody would listen. Rebecca made the decision to keep the baby and to go it alone but that didn’t matter to everybody else, they were telling me I needed to be responsibly and be there for it, even Aaron. I told him again and again that I could forget about it and have nothing to do with because it didn’t matter to me; suggested we move away then it wouldn’t always be in our faces._

_Vic was really trying to push me, took Rebecca in and everything, she probably thought it was a miracle. I don’t actually think she considered mine or Aaron’s feelings, constantly shoving it in his face making out like it was the best thing to ever happen to me. She obviously decided to ignore that Aaron would always be the best thing to ever happen to me and the situation surrounding what caused this so called miracle.  I thought I was doing the right thing by giving Rebecca money, I didn’t tell Aaron though, he would have thought I had started to care. Turns out it didn’t matter. He ended it after that, for good because he couldn’t handle the cheating and the baby, then he left._

_I hit rock bottom. She was swanning around acting like god’s gift and everyone was falling over their feet to congratulate her and acting like it was the best thing to ever happen. Meanwhile I was breaking and I was a joke to everyone. Even Vic, I was upset, drunk and alone and she just laughed in my face; Charity I expected it from but not Vic. Even when Dad had told me to leave and never come back, I never felt as lonely as I did then. When Aaron came back he was so indifferent to me, cold, there was no going back for us then and I thought that was it, my life was now going to be having everybody telling me to be a dad, what I should be doing, how I’m messing everything up and having to be around Rebecca and a kid I was never going to want. You know when people say “it just clicked when I first held my child”, that was never going to be me and I knew it, not that anybody would have believed me and even if they did they probably would have passed me off as being an awful father._

_So I did what I do best. I schemed. I got close to her and made it seem like I cared; about her, about the baby, about the business. I wanted to take everything away; make her feel the same way I felt. I may have succeeded, but I took it too far and there is no going back for me now. The baby wasn’t mine, I was finally no longer tied to the Whites and I’d taken Home Farm from them. I was relieved that the baby wasn’t mine, I honestly was mum. I know people would say that’s bad but it is what it is. I didn’t take Home Farm from them because I wanted it; I did it because I knew I could. I’ve got rid of it now, it served its purpose but know I’m left with no distraction from the mess I’ve made of my life. Everything is just empty now. That’s why I need to go mum, I can’t live here with nothing and see him knowing that he is what I want, the life I had planned with him, and how I destroyed it all._

_I would love to hear him tell me he loves me again. He never said it that often so it was really special when he did say it. I knew he did love me though, may not have trusted me most of the time which I can’t blame him for, but I did know.  I hope he knows that I do love him and I always will and that our time together was the most real year I’ve ever had. Us being together was the only time when I have truly felt safe to be myself; he knew the real me including all of the horrible and nasty bits. He really was the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope he finds that with someone, someone who really makes him feel special, loved and safe. After everything in his life and what I’ve put him through he deserves it._

_I may come back to see you mum, but I can’t promise anything. I am going to try and be better though and I hope that you know that and you’re not too disappointed._

_I miss you all the time. I love you always._

Aaron didn’t know what to feel. He put the letter back down in front and him and stared forward not really knowing what to do with himself. Time passed, everything was still jumbled up in his head and before he knew it the front door banged open as Liv returned from Gabby’s. Aaron hurriedly gathered everything placing it in the top drawer, trying to hide it away from her. Luckily her back was turned so she didn’t notice.

“Sorry I’m late, had tea at Gabby’s instead. Hope you don’t mine.”

Aaron still had his back to her so she couldn’t see the state he was in.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Cool, see you tomorrow then,” she shouted while running up the stairs.

Once her bedroom door had slammed shut, Aaron took the letter and their rings back out of the drawer. With his thoughts still too messed up to even contemplate anything, he walked upstairs and placed them in his bedside cabinet. He needed a shower and sleep because he was in no state to think everything through clearly.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a monster of a letter there but I don't think anyone has really knows how Robert actually feels and takes it seriously so I though the only way it could all come out would be in a letter to his mum. I hope you like to way it's going but I won't be including too much speculation and theories in this story, as I'm thinking of writing theories I like as separate stories.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to re-write this chapter a few times because it kept sounding like me ranting at Emmerdale so it's not turned out as I first thought it would. But I still think some of this stuff hasn't been given the appropriate attention it should have been given in the show so I hope you still enjoy it.

Aaron rolled over willing away the headache building behind his eyes, turns out sleep didn’t come as easy as he had hoped; Robert’s words constantly playing on his mind. He could hear Liv knocking around downstairs, he hoped getting ready for school, which didn’t really help with the headache.

“Aaron!” Liv shouted up the stairs, “Can you take me to school? I’m gonna miss the bus.”

Aaron groaned and rolled back onto his back, arms spread, staring up at the ceiling. Maybe a drive would help clear things up.

“Yeah, give me five,” he shouted back.

Five minutes later and Aaron was stood at the bottom of stairs looking at the carnage Liv had produced across the living room and kitchen.

“Liv! I thought you’d be ready, why is your stuff all over living room?” he said while walking towards the kitchen, “and what have you had for breakfast? This place is a tip. This is the last thing I needed today, go and get in the car.”

“Jeez what’s wrong with you, that time of the month is it,” Liv laughed as she said it, knowing the amount of times Aaron had said the same to her.

“Car now Liv.”

Aaron turned his back to her taking a few deep breaths trying to calm down, only turning once he heard the door open and Liv left. He took a few extra seconds before following her.

“Are we going to talk about it, it can’t just be the state of the house,” Liv asked before he had even shut the door.

“No, I’m fine just didn’t get much sleep. I shouldn’t have shouted at you, sorry.”

“Do you want me to drive then if you’re tired?” Liv watched him with a smirk on her face.

“Not in a million years mate, I value my life. Don’t know if I would trust you even when you pass your test.”

“Oi shut it, I’m gonna be a great driver just you wait.”

That made Aaron laugh, hopefully his slightly lighter mood would carry through the rest of the day.

He managed to keep his mind clear for the remainder of his journey but walking back through the front door after dropping Liv off, Aaron felt his train full of confusion come back to him.

There were too many thoughts running through his mind along with conflicting emotions; he was still as confused as the night before.  He was angry for sure, upset, hurt. Conflicted? Was he allowed to feel all of this? Did he have to right to feel this? He was the one to end everything tell him he didn’t want anything to do with him and threatened him to stay out of his life; he shouldn’t care about Robert anymore. Maybe he was too harsh though when he came back from Ireland; too indifferent. He had to otherwise he would have gone back to Robert, he had to stick by his decision otherwise he would continue to spiral out of control.  He could ignore it as much as he wanted and pretend he really was over Robert and act indifferent to him but it was always going to be lie. Removing Robert completely from his heart and his life was never going to be possibility, he would always be there.  But should he interfere now, after so long of being apart, especially if Robert had made the decision to be better even if it means he moves away?

Hurt and upset came together, really who did Robert have to talk to and support him if Aaron wasn’t there. He would have thought Vic but apparently she thought Robert’s situation was funny. Robert was right about that, she didn’t really consider Aaron when she was going on about the baby. There is also some stuff you wouldn’t want to talk to your sister or elderly step mother about. Robert probably was really lonely, especially compared to himself with the village full of Dingles and his best friend outside of Robert. Maybe that was why he wanted to get Andy back so desperately and why he latched onto Rebecca. He did write that there was no romantic interest from his end; he wouldn’t lie in his letter to his mum, what’s the point? It’s not like he thought anybody else would read it. Why didn’t he say all this extra stuff to him though when it all came out, it’s just confusing. He was already telling him about how he felt when he went to prison, why couldn’t he say he felt lonely.

_Except he did though didn’t he, he said it, who else was there for him?_

Aaron put his head in his hands. How much did Robert actually tell him but he didn’t really listen or just discarded it.  His could feel the anger rising. Robert told him time and time again how much he loved him and that Rebecca was nothing but a friend or pawn in his plans. But he never believed him and never really saw why he was doing what he was doing with her; trying to bring Andy back or providing for them. How much stuff had Robert done in the past two years which wasn’t for his sole benefit?

Aaron thought back through the last two years, yes there were times when Robert did act selfishly but it wasn’t near the amount of times he had tried to help others, even if he plans did go astray. He had changed, he was more caring and considerate to others. He definitely wasn’t the same Robert who came back to the village with Chrissie. Looking back now, Aaron could see how much of a different person Robert had become but that didn’t stop his past being thrown back in his face every time something went wrong. It didn’t take much for the doubt to set in with people, even himself. One word from his mum and even he would assume the worst. No wonder Robert went so far off the deep end; with everybody thinking he was a cold hearted calculating cheat. Aaron could imagine it, Robert probably spent every day hearing snappy comments about his past or being given judging looks, but tried to not let it get to him until he was pushed too far. The saying was true, if you expect the worst of someone that is exactly what you would get; especially if it was Robert and he had nothing left to lose and was out on a warpath.

He may have known that he himself needed help to develop better coping methods, but he knew Robert also needed to do the same and he did nothing. Aaron knows Roberts tendency to push the self-destruct button and not ask for help, instead opting for suffering in silence hoping it will go away and if Aaron really wasn’t there to notice any of the signs then Robert really was on his own. He should have known and he should have made him get help too.

Aaron had to stand up and pace, there was too much anger raging through him. At both himself and Robert.

 _It shouldn’t have just been up to me though._ Aaron thought as he paced around the living room. Rebecca should have been his friend or at least a decent person, surely anyone could have seen the state he was in that night. Even if he did start it, she should never have touched him, she really did take advantage. Robert was right, she was acting like god’s gift and blaming everything on Robert and he shouldn’t have had to shoulder all of the blame. Vic though, where was she when Robert was going through everything and then afterwards when everybody found out Rebecca was pregnant and Aaron had left. Robert needed her but she was too busy running around after Rebecca, taking her in forcing Robert to pay for everything. Rebecca would have known what she was getting herself in for when she decided to go it alone yet Vic decided that she needed to bend over backwards for her. Rebecca was her main concern and then she laughs at Robert for being heartbroken?

Aaron was fuming. He never thought that Vic would have been like that, she had always cared about everyone, so why couldn’t she have been there for her brother when he needed her the most? He stormed upstairs and took the letter from its safe confines of his bedside drawer. Sitting back down on the bed he read back through it. Aaron wondered how different everything would have turned out if he hadn’t gone to prison or if Robert did have more support on the outside. Theoretically yes he should have had it easier on the outside, but going back and seeing how much extra stress Robert was putting himself under without support was enough to send anyone off the deep end. They have that in common, always assuming the worst.

Aaron read through Robert’s thoughts on their wedding and couldn’t help the small smile that came through. It really was perfect, Aaron wasn’t really someone who liked the big all attention on him situations, so even if it was in the garage he couldn’t have asked for better. Even in writing, Robert calling him his husband still sent a little shot of excitement through him because their relationship really was “it.” Robert would always be his husband no matter how hard he tried to move on. He challenged him yet made him laugh like no-one else, supported him but still let him do his own thing, loved him, made him feel safe. Robert had changed but Aaron hadn’t told him. That was their main problem; a lack of communication was their down fall. But that was something they could work on together.

Aaron jumped up as he worked through his thought process. They needed to talk, complete and utter honesty. As he ran back through the house Aaron hoped that he wasn’t too late and Robert hadn’t already left. Aaron had got himself better but he knew he had support, Robert needed the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping I can get the next chapter up in the net few days.


	4. Chapter Four

Aaron was approaching the gate of Keepers cottage when Vic walked out the door.

“Vic, is Robert in?”

“Err no, not at the moment.”

“Well do you know when he will be back then, I really need to talk to him.”

“Aaron,” Vic looked to the ground and sighed “he kinda left.”

“Why did you say left like that? When will he back?” Aaron said with urgency, he could feel the panic start to build.

“I’m not really sure. Few weeks maybe”

“Weeks? What, where has he gone?”

“He didn’t really say much.”

“What so he just left and you didn’t question him on it? You just let him leave?” Aaron questioned, not believing that Robert would have left with not information, especially not telling Vic where he would be.

“It wasn’t like that Aaron, come on.”

“Well what did he say then?”

“Just that he needed to get away.”

“Seriously Vic, that’s all the information you’re going to give me. I need to see him, tell me where he’s gone please.” The strain in his voice was evident.

“I don’t think that’s the best idea, maybe you should just leave him for a bit, yeah” Vic said trying to diffuse the situation.

Panic and worry immediately switched to anger and frustration.

“Oh like you. You’re getting pretty good at leaving him alone when he needs someone.”

“What is that supposed to mean, he’s my brother.” Vic becoming confused by the accusation Aaron was making.  

“Remembered that have you, because it seems to me that you haven’t really been there for him these past few months.” Aaron moved closer towards Vic, as his frustrations came to the surface. “When I went to prison he needed someone to notice that he was falling apart…”

“Hey, I was there, I knew he was finding it hard,” Vic interrupted.

“Yeah, well obviously you didn’t do anything or we wouldn’t be in the mess in the first place.” Aaron could hear his voice rising with every word. “Or how about after, all you seemed to care about was that pregnant…”

“Aaron!” The voice startled him, looking up he saw his mum standing in the front door of the pub, “back room. Now.”

Aaron took one last look down at Vic before storming past his mother and into the pub.

“Care to tell me what that was all about then?” Chas asked as she followed Aaron into the back, “because it didn’t look like a friendly little chat to me.” She sat down on the table in front of Aaron watching as her son ran his hands through his hair, head turned towards the floor not wanting to make eye contact.

“Robert's gone.”

“Gone? As in…” Chas hesitated, prompting Aaron to continue.

“Gone as in gone gone and she had the nerve not to tell me where.”

“Well maybe he just wanted to be alone and she is trying to respect that, he is her brother.”

“Yeah when it suits her,” Aaron whispered.

“Aaron” Chas sighed.

“No, Robert has been alone all these months and look what happened. Look at the mess he ended up in.”

“That was all his own doing Aaron. He made his own decisions.”

“Yeah but he wasn’t exactly thinking straight was he, he was lashing out and kept going because he couldn’t see a way out. We’re the same like that.” Aaron said as he deflated against the sofa.

“Maybe, but you never would have gone that far even if you thought you could justify it,” Chas said as she moved closer to Aaron.

“Why?” Aaron questioned as he looked up towards his mother.

“Because I wouldn’t have let you,” Chas said softly as she moved her hand up his face.

“Exactly!” Aaron shouted, “Every time I’ve pushed myself too far or felt helpless I’ve always had someone there or at least someone to notice. Robert had no-one so he kept digging himself into a hole.” Aaron stood up and walked around the back of the sofa, needing to put some space between them.

“And whose fault is that? It’s all his own doing that he pushed everyone away.”

“No, not this time. Everything that has happened is because I went to prison…”

“You are not blaming yourself for all of his messes Aaron,” Chas interrupted him.

“I’m not, well not for all of it, but he isn’t completely to blame either. If he had had support when I went to prison instead of being left to stress on his own then he wouldn’t have already been on the edge. Then telling him that our future together was no use to me wouldn’t have pushed him over the edge.” Aaron could feel the tears welling up threatening to fall.

“What exactly are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that this whole situation isn’t as black and white as everyone is making it out to be. Robert shouldn’t have slept with Rebecca and he shouldn't have done everything to them afterwards, but he also shouldn’t have felt like he had no-one to turn to. You, Vic or anyone should have seen he was struggling and helped a little rather than leaving him because ‘he’s Robert he’ll be fine’. It wasn't fair him being left alone when I went away.”

The tears were freely flowing down Aaron’s face. Chas rounded the sofa and started to wipe his tears away.

“I don’t want him to hurt you again, you’ve gotten yourself better now, I don’t want you going backwards.”

“This won’t push me backwards mum. I know I have my own issues but I’ve worked so hard to go through them so I can deal with them better. We didn’t talk to each other properly, not about our issues but I know that now and if he can do the same, that’s got to be better than this.” Aaron was breathing heavily by the end of his speech.

“What happens after that then, if he does seek help?” Chas could see him thinking everything over and she couldn’t miss the slight smile that came through.

“I’m always going to love him; nothing is going to change that. I’ve dealt with my issues and if he can go through his maybe we could try again.” Aaron had a hopeful look on his face as he said this.

“What if doesn’t work out, then what happens?”

“I’m willing to risk it, if he is.”

“I’m never going to be able to change your mind on him, am I. Maybe you are right, we all should have done more to help him” Chas conceded.

“Thank you mum” Aaron said as he moved to hug his mum. “I just wish I knew where he was.”

“Well lets hope that he is getting the help that he needs and if we don’t hear anything within the next few weeks, then we start to worry.”

“Aaron?” Vic appeared at the doorway.

Aaron pulled away from his mum, his body growing tense as he stared back at Vic.

“What?” The frustration still evident in his voice; he didn’t miss the look he was given by his mum.

“He is my brother and believe it or not I do care,” she noticed the huff from Aaron but ignored it as she continued, “so I believed him when he said he was going away to get better.”

“So are you going to tell me where he is then?” Aaron asked.

“I can’t, he didn’t tell me where he was going, just that I didn’t need to worry.”

Aaron gave Vic a sceptical look, judging her for the lack of information.

“Don’t look at me like that. Yes, okay, I should have given more him support but I don’t think he would have even taken any help I offered.”

“You should have given it anyway without him asking though instead of leaving him and then after everything you running around after you know who didn’t help.” Aaron said.

“But,” Vic started.

“She had her own family Vic who wanted to help, she wasn’t on her own.”

Vic looked towards the floor, not knowing what to say in defence of her actions.

“Look, I can’t argue this with you, it’s not going to help him now, just call me when you hear anything from him.” The dismissal clear in his voice.

“Yeah course. I am sorry though Aaron, Rob maybe an adult but he did need help.” She said as she left back the way she came.

Aaron watched as she left before turning back to his mum.

“I guess we wait then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've only planned to have one more chapter so this is almost finished. Thank you for all the kudos on this work it really means a lot to me.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter and I hope that you enjoy it.

**Four weeks later**

Aaron was rounding the corner heading towards David’s as Vic walked out but with his head tipped down to his phone he didn’t realise until she called his name.

“Look erm, Robert’s come back, got in last night but I think it might be best if you just give him a few days before you try and talk to him.” She said as Aaron made to move up towards Keepers. She continues as Aaron gives her a frustrated and confused look. “He seems different, really quiet. Harriet said she saw him in the cemetery last night; she didn’t get a chance to talk to him but she said he seemed really down. I think this time away has made some sort of difference to him and he’s trying to adjust.”

“Vic, I don’t want to push him over the edge; that is the last thing I want to do. I just want talk to him and make sure he’s okay. Please.” Aaron ignores the slight pleading tone to his voice, he doesn’t really care.

Vic paused before “five minutes, but if he gets upset or stressed, you’re out. Okay?”

“Okay” Aaron was going to take what he could get.

The walk up to Keepers was silent. Aaron wasn’t entirely sure what he would be faced with once he saw Robert so he was reassessing what he was going to say to him.

Aaron stayed behind Vic as she opened the door but he could see Robert on the sofa as she moved into the kitchen. Taking one last look at her, she whispered “five minutes” before he moved in to the living room.

“Hey” he said as he entered the room.

“Hey” Robert replied but didn’t move from his seated position.

Aaron noticed he looked a little awkward as he came beside him, possibly nervous and uncomfortable. Vic was right, he was different.

“How are you?” Aaron was tentative when asking his question.

“Fine, I guess” he replied, not looking Aaron in the eye.

“Where’ve you been?” He prompted when he sensed that was all Robert was going to say.

“Are we really going to do this? Make polite conversation?” Robert asked, more hesitantly than spiteful.

Aaron sighed in response. Robert was obviously expecting some sort of fight, for Aaron to start shouting.

“I looked back on everything that I had done and realised that I can't keep going on like that. I found a live-in centre that focused on destructive tendencies and anger management.” He paused before continuing “I had private counselling, group sessions and anger management classes to work through all my issues and find better ways to deal with everything.” Robert only looked up once he had finished speaking to try and judge Aaron’s reaction; he was met with Aaron’s stunned face.

Aaron stayed silent for a moment, he didn’t expect Robert to go to a centre and get help, “Group sessions?” He asked, it was hard for Robert to open up to one person he knew let alone a group of strangers.

“Yeah I know, not really my thing” Robert gave a small laugh and a smile as he said this “but I thought if I was going to try and be different why not try it.”

“Did it help?”

“It was a bit intense the first few days, talking through stuff each day was exhausting. I was a bit reluctant at first but they were supportive and let me talk at my own pace to sort through everything. I left certain things out though.” Robert was conscious of his sister still in the kitchen so he didn’t want to go into too much detail.

“Vic.” Robert waited until she came around the corner, “Can you give us a minute, please.”

She took a cautious look at Aaron then at her brother “I’ll go to Bob’s, just call if you need anything.” With one last pointed look at Aaron, she left.

Aaron looked back at Robert, “How much did you leave out?”

“Not too much just the stuff you would expect: the illegal stuff, specifics of what I did to the Whites, Katie. I talked a lot about growing up, mum dying, dad, Andy, Max King, being send away. I knew it all shaped how I react to things I just didn’t really realise how much, even after we got together.” Robert hesitated as he saw Aaron give a slight nod in what he hoped was understanding; the next part was going to be a little harder for him to say.

“I talked about you. They said it wasn’t really healthy for me to be so dependent on you and have you be so heavily involved my decision making. I’m not saying this to guilt trip you but I went from doing everything to try a match up to what I thought my dad would want me to be to making everything about you to Andy then you. I think I took you being everything a bit too literally so when I lost you I latched onto the only thing I thought I had left, revenge, and I went to far because I didn't see any reason to stop. You know this but when I’m hurt I push it all on other people because I don’t know how to properly deal with my own pain.”

“They said that growing up in an environment where I had to deal with certain issues on my own, like mum dying and everything with Andy, and not getting any choice in other aspects probably lead to me wanting to take control of everything. I thought that if I was in control then nothing would take me by surprise and everything would be perfect because I had it all planned out. So when things don’t go as I planned that’s when I tend to go into overdrive. But I know that I can’t control everything and more importantly that I shouldn’t, because it’s not fair or right to try and control other people even if my aim is to try and make them happy. That's why I did all that stupid stuff and as you put it ‘throw my money at it’ because I wanted to make all of your problems go away so you could be happy; I just loved seeing you smile and be carefree.” A sad smile came on to Roberts face as he remembered seeing Aaron smile.

“Being there, going through all of my own stuff, listening to other people’s problems and learning to manage my issues better has really helped. I’m not all the way there but I’m definitely in a better place now. I should have done that a long time ago, I wouldn’t have messed everything up so spectacularly if I had. But it’s made everything so much clearer and I did something before I went away. I thought it would be better if they weren’t constantly around so it wouldn’t be a physical reminder of my past.” Robert shuddered a breath as he took a pause.

Aaron could see where he was going with this but Robert started talking again before he had a chance to start.

“I’m so sorry, I thought” Robert started.

“It’s okay” Aaron interrupted.

“It’s not, they’re” Aaron could see the tears in his eyes as Robert said this.

“They’re not gone, I promise you.”

“You don’t know what I’m talking about though,” Robert looked up to him, tear streaks now down his face.

“I do know because I have them.”

Robert looked at him, mouth open, “No.”

“I saw you, that night, at your mum’s grave. I couldn’t see what you were doing so I went over after you left and I saw the loose dirt. I’m sorry but I read the letter as well. I know I shouldn’t have but I was just worried about where your head was at. I didn’t realise that you were going to leave until the next day when I went to talk to you but you had already gone. I just didn’t have the heart to return them so I kept them, so I can promise you they are safe.” Aaron had shuffled forward toward him wanting to show his sincerity and hoped that Robert believed him.

“You have them? The letter and the” Robert trailed off as Aaron nodded. “Can I have them back? I thought keeping hold of them would be a bad thing, just stopping me from moving on but they’re good too; a reminder that there were good times.”

Aaron considered it for a moment, “Can I keep them?” He looked up to see Robert’s face had fallen, “I don’t mean it in a bad way, please don’t think that.” Aaron bit the bullet and reached out to hold Robert’s hand. “You’re right, they are a reminder of the good times and I like that, a lot, and there have been so many. You have been there for me so much and literally saved my life a few times, but now it’s time that I need to be there for you. I’m going to be the strong one now and support you just like you did for me because I don’t want you to think that you’re on your own. I want you to always know that if you need to talk to someone that I’m going to be here.”

Robert pulled his hands away from Aarons’ “What is this, some sort of reward system? You pity me that much that I can’t have them back until you’ve decided that you’ve helped me enough? That I’ve been repaid the amount of times I’ve been there for you? That’s not how this is going to work Aaron, I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me.”

“That’s not what I meant. I know you’re doing this for you and that’s the way it should be and I’m so proud that you’re doing this. I just meant that I want to do it this time. I have missed you so much and I know I’ve pretended that I haven’t and that I didn’t want you, even said it to your face and I am sorry that I was so cruel to you about it, but that all ended to same way as it did the every other time. I’m never going to not miss you when you are not by my side, I love you so much and I’ve never stopped no matter how many times I told people I did. I know you’re not ready yet but if one day you feel like you are, then I will be waiting and we can give it another go. You’ve waited for me and now it’s my turn. So in this future that I see us in, I’m the one giving you the ring. That’s only if it’s okay with you?” Aaron was nervous by the time he had finished his speech, Robert was usually the one with the big love declarations.

Robert just looked at him, eyes wide. “I’m never going to not want you but we can’t go back there. We’re not going to work, we’ve tried and failed. I know we promised messed up forever but it’s not healthy to be that messed up; I can’t put you through that again. What happens if we do get back together and something happens and we’re at each other’s throats? I don’t want to have you only to lose you; it hurts too much.”

“That’s the old Robert and Aaron; we’re going to be the new and improved version. We’ve worked on our own to be better in ourselves and we know where we went wrong the first time. It’s okay if you don’t believe it yet because I believe in us enough for the both of us. I believe that we can make it the whole way this time around but only when you are ready.”

Robert took hold of Aaron’s hand “I’m really scared because I still don’t know who the ‘new and improved’ Robert is exactly and I don’t know how long it will be until I will be him. One thing I do know is that he is still going to love you because there is no way that I am going to be able to stop that. So if you’re willing to wait I would really like to be a part of that future you’re planning.”

Aaron’s face lit up at this, “Yeah?”

Robert just held Aaron’s hand tighter, “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to everyone for reading this and the support. I'm sorry that I didn't go into more detail of Robert in counselling but I didn't think I could do it justice and I've read others which have done it so well. I hope you enjoyed the ending as I wanted to leave it simple and wishful as I didn't think it would be right for anything more to happen at this point.


End file.
